it's been a long time since i felt grateful for everything in my life. been sometime since i felt that my mum has tried all her best to give me everything she could and to make my studying life easier. and it just makes me so guilty and bad for not doing my best in school and going out and have fun most of the time. it makes me feel like i'm such an unfillial child and if i'm gonna spend so much money off her i would at least have the decency to get better grades to show her something more worthwhile. =/ it sure makes me strive to want to do better. let's just hope this feeling last for another a mnth or so.
and i really feel like i'm a lucky girl. sometimes i think to myself what have i done to deserve such awesome people in my life and then i'll think that i'm not good in anything and what have i to offer the people that loves me and what can i do to help the people i love. and i just wish that my company and maybe optimism and fun happy side would be enough. :) and even if it's not it just makes me love them even more for still being there for me and with me. hee! and i really am lucky to have a boyfriend who is geeky and perfect in every other way possible. you may not be perfect as an individual but i really do believe that we're perfect together and as a couple. haha! thanks for doing so much for my birthday and be so so awesome being understanding and tolerating. you make me look forward to my birthday and for once i'm really really excited for it. haha! and thanks piggo. for wanting to help me in every way possible. you're just such an amazing friend that i really think i did some really good deed in my past life to have you as my friend in this life. :')
i guess it's just one of those days where you're really thankful of everything and just feel like everything is perfect and you're the luckiest bitch alive. haha! somehow i tend to forget somewhere along the way and i'm glad i found it again. so now just get back in the books. if not for me then for everyone that loves me and wants the best for me.
thanks for always being there and i'm real lucky to have you guys in my life.

Cause I don't wanna lose you now  
I'm looking right at the other half of me  
The vacancy that sat in my heart 
Is a space that now you hold 
Show me how to fight for now
Mirrors - Justin Timberlake

my hall production's over! it was a really really amazing experience and it's pretty cool! hee! learnt something new everytime and i'm glad to be part of it even though it was eating up lots of my time and it got me so busy i'm losing sleep. but still, i'm proud that i did it and i would say it's COOL! ^^ would want to do it again if possible. haha!

anyway, school's almost halfway gone already and with most of my hall stuff to be basically finished and over, i got to get my head back to study and start getting real! at least now i have friends to study with. kinda cool. haha!

so things have been going so crazy fast and so busy that there isnt any time to take a breather to just stop and think. things sure isnt going great with love. guess some things just cant be mixed together. and i'm always quick to anger and not able to forgive easily now so too bad i guess.  it needs two hands to clap. and i really believe that if she really meant to make it she would but i guess it's not enough. but life goes on and i think it's also good. at least i know how much effort it is for my friends to make it. and i really really appreciate it. thanks pig and youm! i know yi would want to come but studies first! i now understand. =) (sorry pig for the previous time, i was a bitch) and thanks for the flowers! heehee! i love it! ^^

ahhh so tired. lets really hope i have the motivation to get through for the rest of the study year then. jiayou. =)

there's been so much talk recently about what am i gonna do in the future. what's my aim? what do i really want to get out of uni? and then i think what i want to get out of uni is to GET OUT of uni. but then i dont think it's supposed to be like this. haii. is it so wrong to just want to laze around and just occasionally go to work? it's not like i dont want to work foreverrrr! just not everyday. =/ i need to snap out of it. i need to find a goal in life. i want to not work and just have lots of money! okay impossible. haii life sucks. everyone's saying, just enjoy life! live life to the fullest! dun live with any regrets! go! travel! mingle! make friends! blah blah. bitch please. if it's so easy i wouldnt be stuck here trying to understand wad the shit is all those useless formulas.
just saying. okay. i'm bored.

new sem is gonna start and so not looking forward to it. ever since uni started so much things have changed. i see my friends around me grow up and learn things that are not taught in uni. we learn more about life. see things clearer. and believe in ourselves a little bit more. and now another sem is gonna begin and i dunno how much change would be happening again. but then among all these changes i'm just glad that a few things stayed the same. haha! and as usual i shall not jinx it so i shall not say what it is. but well, i'm just glad that things stayed the same. =)
this year is where friends around me turn 21. how fast we grow! oh god. i can't imagine. one step at a time. =)

late at night and nth better to do and i just had to go look through the old photos.
it just brings back so much memories. Krabi trip, Laos! omg. and so much old photos with WWY. and i wasn't that fat before. oh god. it just makes me miss all those times! oh god. and now all there is left is just hall stuff. i mean i have fun and everything. but it's still not the same as before. poly time was where i had my fun. my life. i love it. and i miss every single thing about it. nothing is just the same. things change. and uni sucks and hall just feels like this fake place in my life that i try to make things look happier than it seem cause the rest of my life sucks and it's the only place where i can make it feel like things are alright again.
i dunno. i'm only two and a half years left with uni. i hope i can get through it. and if somehow or rather i'm able to make uni life awesome then tt's good. but no matter how awesome it is i know that it would never be the same as poly. at this moment i just wish i can tell everyone in my poly life that make it so awesome that i miss them right now.
okay just saying.
haiii.

i just need the force to be with me for the next two and a half weeks. please please please.

Self Pep Talk

5 more weeks till school is officially over! =) jiayou alison hang in there. for now your regiment shall be wake up go school, GO FOR ALL LECTURES (stop skipping lectures) go back hall and sleep then wake up do miscellaneous important hall stuff and start studying again till late then sleep. you know you can do it. it's just 5 more weeks. =) and know that you're not alone. what you're going through there are hundreds of other people going through the same thing too. you may not be the brightest but remember that you're not the worst either. i hope. haha! i really hope that i am not one of those lousy students. but it's ok. have faith. just work hard and you'll be able to get the results you want. let's just really hope and pray that i would not fail any modules. you can do better. =) believe in urself. let's go! 3 more weeks of school then exam break and let the games begin. >:D

be strong. i'm not alone in this. =)

really really trying my best to cope with uni. it's honestly the shittiest thing i have ever been through. i don't think i have ever hated doing something that much till i went into uni. honestly, having a 9 to 5 job is so much better than battling with all these figures and circuits and everything. and babe's in army now and everything just feels so off kilter and different. i can't believe that i even wrote my mum a letter telling her that i love her and that i appreciate everything that she has done for me. i mean, who does that? but then at this moment, i really love her. and i just have this urge to tell her how much i love her and appreciate her cause it hits me that i may think this way but if i don't tell her she would nv know cause we're not those kind who would openly talk about our feelings.

and i'm trying to study and i just feel like i'm so lost with everything. i shld really focus and get my head in. take the opportunity of babe's being in army to study. and i just miss babe. i didn't realise that i rely on him THIS much. and i just keep thinking about the past. about how much fun we had before uni and army. i rmb the time when we went to mount faber to celebrate my birthday. that walk after that was pretty awesome. haha! these kind of little things that we done would just randomly pop out and make me miss you so much. i don't even know that it's possible to miss someone that much. and i'm so sick of hearing myself say that i miss him so much. i guess in a way uni is also good. it makes me realise and appreciate the things that happen arnd me and to realise how much these people are to me.

and i'm real hungry now. i shld keep studying. i can do it. and i have the time to catch up. jiayou alison. you know that you can do it. you just got to focus. hang in there.

hello hello! uni has officially started and i officially hate it. constantly thinking and toying with the idea of quitting school but then i think it's kind of a bad thing since i think one day my wish would come true and i'll quit school or drop out of school. which is not i want cause i really want to get a freaking degree and get the hell out of there. so jiayou jiayue! i can do it! just mug and mug and mug! immerse urself with good and nice clever people and don't give too much shit with people who are petty and small minded and people whom you cannot trust.
honestly, i don't think i can be close or trust any of my hall mates. and not just because babe thinks that most of them cannot be trusted or anything. it's just that it gets so political and the whole election just seem to bring out the bitchy fked up side of them. i guess i just can't really be bothered and i really just want to do things mainly and plainly because it's fun. i don't get how they can survive all those bitching and gossiping. and to hear them say that so and so is blah and the next thing you know is that they are good buddies with them. oh shut the fk up and get the fk out of my face will you? two face bastards and i don't really care if i didn't turn up for rallies or wadsoever. hello, my life out there is much more important than this hellhole you call fun and awesome home. please. home is back in pasir ris. and wherever babe is. not this back stabbing political shit place. gosh. sometimes i just want to roll my eyes and ask them to just shut up. but then nah. i shall not stoop so low and just remove myself from all that crap. ignorance is bliss and i'm just here to have fun. not stir up shit.
just focus on your studies alison! you can do it. you know you can do it. dun scare urself shitless cause you don't know how to do. ask people and you will know. you can do it! GOGO!
just remember the people that love you and nv lose sight of urself. =)
i can do this. i can survive another 14 days of babeless days. although my mood and feelings swings here and there that sometimes i feel like such a mess. be strong. there's still pig and yi and love and youm. so happy that pig came over to stayover. ^^ we would be such awesome roomies like really. i would love to be in hall more i guess. and then i'll just be really anti social and just be in our own two person's world. haha! i would be rid of all those shit man. blame it on me to not be able to function without someone else. =/ feel so needy.
oh god. i'm just going on and on and i'm so tired.
bottomline is, i love you. pig, yi, youm, babe and love. i really do. i will promise myself to not lose sight of myself and remember the people that truly love me. dun be some bitch because of people that mean nth and would eventually fk ur life up or backstab you. know who's good and who's bad.

i sure have come a long way from being that happy go lucky couldn't give a flying fuck to careful threading where i go me. uni sure changes people.
oh god this is just so negative. but yea! i just want to say that i love you guys and that i will jiayou for studies. and i really want to thank you girls for being there for me. for picking up my phone and hear me whine and to put aside my fears when i get cold feet about school. thank you. i love you and i'm sure as hell is grateful for you guys in being in my life.
and babe. i know you can't see this, but hang in there alright? i don't know what would come our way but all i know right now at this moment is that i want to be there for you no matter wad and that at the end of the day i still love you and you're the only one that i want to be with. we can do this and we shall do it. =) love you! and honestly, i think it's pretty cool to be in the army still! haha! so go kick some ass and be my idol! :D

i love you girls! thanks for being there. you have no idea how much it means to me. =) ♥

it's not hard for me to love you
because you are the world to me

so sweet of you to heist so much pens and marker from ur mum's shop for me! haha! you're such a sweetheart. i love you!

hall camp is over. and i would say that i enjoyed it. although i haven really made any really close really reliable friends but hey one step at a time right? soon school is really starting and things will get really busy. i hope it does actually so that i wouldn't have much time to fester and think too much or miss babe too much. he's going into army soon and i would say that the future is bleak. but somehow part of me really feel that it is gonna be alright in the end. cause love would prevail. it would bring us back together when we're lost. when we forgot what loving each other feels like. i really truly want to believe it. it's gonna be really tough. but if it's meant to be it's meant to be right? i honestly can't imagine life without you. i mean you're the one who i go to when things get shitty. you're the one whom i look for to share a good news with. good or bad you're the one that i want to experience and go through it with. that shld mean something isn't it? it scares me how relationships could end so easily. i don't know.
basically all i want to say is, i really really wish with the bottom of my heart that everything would turn out fine and that the upcoming 4-6 years would not break us up. i believe we can do it! but believing and doing it is totally different so yea. i hope that you have some faith. i want you to have faith. have faith in me just like how i have faith in you. us. we can do it if we want to. =) may the force be with us and come what may, i will always love you till the end of time. :)

hall camp's gonna start in less than 10 mins. LOL! so not rushing down to meet new friends. plus i'm too lethargic and cranky to make friends now. ouh well. may the force be with me. i think i'll just be an anti social ass. sleeping alone at night doesn't feel tt bad anymore. or at least that's how i feel. but then i wouldn't trust what i feel these days since it ranges from hysterical to lunatic. living alone sure is something that i would kill myself before i can get accustomed to it. i hate the quietness. oh god. may the force be with me to survive 6 lame ass looooong days. i miss the east alr. LOL.

so! i'm gonna shift in to hall tmr. in less than 24 hours. and tonight would be the last night i'll be home. ok. i make it sound like i'm going in to the army or something. but i think it's somewhere near! it is half way across the country after all!
and i haven packed anything at all. tmr's gonna be a mad rush. though i've alr wrote down a list of things to bring. but ouh well... i guess i'm just putting it off as late as possible so tt the fact tt i'm really shifting in is not as real.  ouh well.. some self delusional is good once in a while.

alright. that babe of mine just woke up and made me feel a hell lot better. =) oh i'm so needy i could slap myself. and i think night time is a weakness of mine. it just exposes you. all those vulnerability. and thoughts that consume you. it's the time of the day where ur guard is down and you just feel so alone and you're just craving for another presence to talk to or make some contact with.

ok. get my emotions in control and kick ass. i can do it. =)

hi, so i've been trying to get myself mentally prepare for change to happen. school's starting in less than a month and gotta start shifting in to hostel in two to three weeks. shit just got real. and it's happening. i feel so lazy and i have this mentality that i don't need to know any more friends. i have enough of them right now in my life alr. i don't see the need to have anymore. =/ life's awesome just the way it is nowwww. so why is it changing?! ok fine. i just hope i don't gain weight when i'm there. i hope i have the motivation to run those bloody hills of ntu and not the mind of a weakling who goes to supper every night. i long for a lean toned body with a flatter stomach. see?! it's not a very far fetched goal. i just want my previous weight back. just 7 kgs. i don't need a stomach tt have abs. just flatter. tt's not unrealistic right? i honestly believe that i can do it. just that i'm too lazy. every cell on my body screams to go shed off those extra fats. but it's just too lazy. why?! why am i this lazy?! i'm lazy and then here i am envying and hating everyone of them who has long toned legs and a cinched waist. oh alison. what a letdown you are. but then again i just don't have the motivation to go run. and sweat. i hate running. i hate the process of running. i just wish i can run without me knowing that i ran and then get me to wake up when i run finish. ok it's not possible. i hate it. i hate the feel of every single cell in my lungs crying and begging me to stop. i hate the feel of my legs being forced to take another step forward. ok that's bullshit. i haven been running that much recently to feel like that. my legs surprisingly still have the energy to run another kilometer and another and another. it's just my lungs and stamina. you see? the thing is i know i can do it. that is why i just keep putting it off to the next day and the next day until i realise that being fatter is NOW. oh i'm such a contradiction. and i just have this urge to talk and talk and talk till the night ends and the day starts. i'm such a weird thing.

it's so irritating when every little thing happening around you just rubs you off the wrong way and pissed you off.
i have no idea where did all that angst or crankiness comes from but i just can't help it.
i can only blame the impending huge change for the cause of it.
when a change is looming all you're trying to do is try to keep whatever that's left the same as it is. but i guess it only causes things to change faster.
and when that happen, your natural reaction is to guard your heart. and tt's not a pretty side but then hey! tt's all you got left.

"It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace." 

have you ever thought how much we actually know in comparison to what we CAN know in this whole universe?
there's just so so much out there that has not even be discovered and probably those that we have discovered we only know that 1%. and what we already know is only just the surface of the topic there's so much more depth to it than we thought possible. 
part of the reason why i really really want to go stargazing is that then we can sort of put things into perspective of how small and insignificant we are than to the WHOLE universe. 
when you just look up to millions of miles above you that consist of a billion more other things that exists in this whole world. that's gonna make your problems that you think is so big seems so small. probably then you'll be scared that you only know so little things about the whole world. 
lets not talk about how big the UNIVERSE is. just take the internet for example. minus away the porn that's still alot of shit that we have not been to or stumbled upon.
i blame babe's discovery channel and bbc knowledge for all this. all those How Do They Do It. Mega Builders or whatever. come to think of it, it's pretty mindfking actually.
i don't know. it's just some random blabber. 

Singapore is an awesome place. safe secure sheltered bright. probably too safe. too secure too sheltered and WAY too bright. i've always dream of going to just hide somewhere dark and look up the skies. or go to a drive through movie theater. long roads of nothing but just the mountains on the left and the vast oceans at the right. going down a road that leads to another place for you to discover and uncover. 
the world is just too big to uncover in one lifetime. 

then comes love. love is something that exists. but not something that can be hold. not physically anyway. has it ever cross your mind that what you're feeling for someone is conditional love or unconditional love? i once watch a show. a channel 8 show actually (kinda amazed that they actually have good substance) that talks about love and marriage. it said that (in my own words) conditional love is all around and that you don't realise that you're actually giving a conditional love. when you do something for someone, you would expect that someone to be happy and to acknowledge the fact that you did that for him/her right? that's conditional love. cause you expect them to repay that act of love or kindness. you might say but that's the most basic thing! but then again no one asked you to do that particular act of kindness or love. when you do it it's something that you want to do it voluntarily out of your own goodwill. not every one would take it as a goodwill. some people just take it for granted. but then again when you do it you still feel good that you have done it whether the person appreciates it or not right? so if you're willingly doing that act for whatever reason it is. don't expect anything in return. whatever it comes after is a bonus. that is not to say to be stupid and continue doing something for an asshole or something you get my drift but yeah.
i guess the bottomline is that if you do something, do it for yourself. do it because it makes you feel good about urself. not because you want the other person to be happy. of course! if the other person is happy and appreciates it in return then tt's good. but if the other person doesn't then it's fine. don't be sad cause it goes unnoticed. be happy that you're the bigger person. 


i have no idea where did all of that come from. but hey! doesn't hurt to sound intellectual once in a while. haha! :)


come to think of it, everything in life is absurd.
it's just the way you see it.

we only accept the love that we think we deserve.

happy birthday to me!
yay! not. =/ it feels like so damn weird and probably one of the most sad birthday ever. something doesn't feel right and i can't really put my finger on it.
it just feels like any other normal day just tt it's maybe worse. maybe the fact that it's my birthday just made it more worse. it's not that there's no surprises or whatsoever. the feeling is just wrong. didn't think that i'll be that affected by just a number but then i guess i really dun want to turn TWENTY so soon. =/ it's just wrong that i'm twenty. might be illegal or something. =/ it's the big TWO-oh. or maybe i'm just blowing this out of proportion.
and it doesn't help that my dajie is being a fking bitch. though it might help if i'm able to give her a good fking bitch slap. =/ my birthday has only past for 2 hours and 25 minutes and it's not going good.
let's just hope it doesn't get worse as the day goes.
and i just totally sound like an ungrateful bitch for typing all that. =/
sorry. i really still appreciate the thought of babe trying to give me a surprise and make me a card. plus those minions! :D i love it. and thanks. 

so! it's been a long time.
back from thailand and then graduation day was over. kinda sad and now there isn't really much to look forward to anything anymore. =/

thailand has been pretty awesome! just chilling everyday and then having fun and going for adventures in krabi while shop till we all drop and broke in bangkok. hehehe! interesting stuff happen in bangkok! probably never gonna happen again and was pretty shocked when it happened! what were they thinking when they did it?! HAHAHA! but still pretty fun. :D and i guess going overseas would somehow just experience and see each and everyone's other side of them.. as in you're constantly in close contact with each other so as time goes you probably would get irritated with each other or something. kinda argued with babe there but then again i guess it's normal. just feel like after traveling miles away and i'm still being restricted. but then again i know it's also for my own good.. that alina and babe wants to take care of me and if anything were to happen to me they would also be blamed. BUT STILL! we're in thailand. and it's really nth i can do if i'm such a klutz all the time and don't really watch where i'm going. =/ come to think of it.. isn't that how you (babe) is able to jio me? hehehe! ok but you know i still love you and you have done an awesomely tremendous job bringing us around thailand and coordinating the whole thing. that's why i love you so much! ^^ :D

oh! and we may have did crazy things like throwing a water filled condom 10 floors down to the hotel pool.. we MAY. i didn't say we did. heh.

so comes graduation. just like that and three whole years are gone. till now although i still have no idea what to do with my diploma but i still didn't feel like i have chosen the wrong course to enter. many people asked me if i regretted and i can cross my heart and hope to die that i did not regret my choice. not once. =) not only did it let me know babe which is one of the best things that happended to me in poly, but it also gave me three whole years of awesome fun and great friends. ok i wouldn't say tt i would keep in touch with half of my polymates but they have been awesome and we had lots of memories together. not to mention the LTT times. it's the best time EVER in my poly life. :D we have all grown up in the past three years i got to say.
from this

to this

it almost feels like it took magic to happen.
hahahaha! it has really been an awesome journey. not to mention Laos OCP. it was such an eye opener and really a life experience. =) i'm really glad that i had the chance to experience all of that in just three years. i miss it alr.

well... all good things must come to an end i guess. and no matter what happen at least the memories will always live. =) thanks though. to everyone who had been in my life all these years and made my life so awesome. i've never regretted anything that happened in my life before and i would say tt my life has been awesome up till now. :D i love all of you and i just wish that we had more memories tgt. =) hee! cheeeeeesy!
yea alright. this is only the beginning of an end.
WE GOT DIPS ON LIFE! :D

ok! something before i fly off to THAILAND! :D
just feels really weird! i guess i just can't believe that the day i've been waiting for has finally came and i'm really actually going after so much stuff happened!
and i can't help but feel like there would be bad stuff happening! =/
let's hope not.. pray for my safety!
and ok! i'm REALLY EXCITEDDD! OMG! hehe.
ok i don't really have much to say except i'm excited. HAHAHA! LOVE YOU GIRLS AND BYEEE! :D
 the adventure beckons!